


buzzcut season

by korapika



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: AU in which the temple doesn't try to kill Catra, Bittersweet, F/F, First Kiss, and shows them holograms just for fun, bc why not, partially canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-16 02:15:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19308589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/korapika/pseuds/korapika
Summary: Adora can't sleep because she misses Catra, so she decides to visit the Beacon in hopes of reliving more of their memories.Little does she know that Catra had a similar idea.





	buzzcut season

**Author's Note:**

> hello! i got this idea by listening to lorde pretty much immediately after re-watching S1E11, so that should explain everything. hope you like it! (also i wasn't sure what to call this place, i vaguely recall it being called "beacon" in the show so that's what i used in the description but throughout the story I only refer to it as "first ones temple" bc i mean that's kinda what it is, right?)
> 
> song: "buzzcut season" by lorde

  
  


_“And I'll never go home again (place the call, feel it start),  
Favorite friend (and nothing's wrong when nothing's true),  
I live in a hologram with you.”_

 

Adora sighed.

She’d been tossing and turning in her bed for hours now, but sleep had yet to claim her. She groaned.

Another sleepless night then.

As quietly as she could, despite the fact that she was alone in the room – you can’t trust those air vents! – she lowered herself onto the floor, barely registering the cool tiles beneath her feet.

She couldn’t figure out why her body refused to submit to a peaceful sleep. Or, well, there were enough possible reasons for that, she just wasn’t sure which one it was tonight.

Was it the endless war that was raging on every second of every day? Was it the fact that she was supposed to be this legendary, divine warrior carrying the entire Rebellion on her shoulders? Or maybe it was her best friend – _“Ex best friend”_ , she reprimanded herself – who had stayed behind in the Horde and was now her enemy whom she had to fight even though she didn’t want to and whom she might eventually have to kill even though she knew she would never be able to?

It would have to remain a mystery.

(She was lying to herself, of course. She was well aware that Catra, with her smug grins and wild curls, was the main reason for the countless nights she spent awake. She just didn’t want to admit it to herself.)

Hastily pulling on her jacket and boots, Adora thought about what she could do to pass the time until the sun rose again.

Involuntarily, an image of the First Ones temple flashed in her mind’s eye.

_“I couldn’t…”_ , she thought, _“not after what happened there last time.”_

However, she was already out the door.

  
  


* * *

  
  
“This is a stupid idea”, Adora whispered to herself as she used her sword to cut through the undergrowth.  
  
Around her, the Whispering Woods lay in deep sleep, the dark trees with their quietly rustling leaves both calming and agitating her. All she could hear beside her own breathing and the noises of her slashing at particularly stubborn branches – Perfuma would not be happy with her if she found out how Adora was treating these sacred plants right now – was the subtle humming of the wildlife surrounding her. Some of the noises she couldn’t place, but she knew better than to investigate.  
  
Eventually, after an amount of time she couldn’t quite determine but that couldn’t have been longer than 30 minutes, she found herself in front of the ruin. Wondering, not for the first time, why she had let her feet carry her there.  
  
_“Am I really this desperate?”_ , she thought as she opened the gate, _“Do I really miss her this much?”_  
  
She knew the answer was yes.  
  
Inside the temple, it was quiet. Almost eerily so. Adora hoped she wouldn’t come across Light Hope, she never did trust her much, especially not after she had so adamantly told Adora to _let go_.  
  
Maybe Light Hope was First Ones tech, maybe she was super wise or at least programmed to be super wise, but Adora knew that she wasn’t making any mistakes by putting her friends first and holding onto her human attachments.  
  
_“I am human”_ , she thought, trying more than anything to convince herself.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
Catra hadn’t been having a great night.  
  
Even now, when she had been granted her own room thanks to her new status as Hordak’s second in command, she found herself unable to fall asleep most nights.  
  
Often, it was because she was too busy planning how to take down the Princess Alliance. Even more often however, she was kept awake by thoughts of Adora.  
  
Stupid, naïve Adora, with her ridiculous blonde ponytail and her dumb grey eyes. Adora, who used to be her best friends.  
  
_“It doesn’t matter”_ , she insisted, unsure of whom she was trying to convince, _“I let her go. She was just holding me back.”_  
  
Why couldn’t she just believe that?  
  
Groaning, she sat up in her cot and surveyed the room. It was small, nothing special. Except for the bed, a closet and a desk, it was pretty much empty. Personal belongings were against the rules of the Horde. Yet, sometimes she couldn’t help but wish that she had something to remember Adora by.  
  
Shaking her head, she tried to get rid of that thought.  
  
_“I see her often enough, it’s not like I’m going to forget her.”_  
  
Still, Catra couldn’t deny the loneliness she felt. Adora’s betrayal had cut deep, no doubt about it. They had been best friends since they were both babies, recently orphaned and taken in by the Horde. They had grown up together, had slept in the same bed together every night.  
  
Catra couldn’t help but selfishly wish that Adora had troubles sleeping too. If she already seemed so unbothered about leaving Catra behind, she at least deserved some insomnia.  
  
Suddenly, a stupid idea popped into her head. If she missed Adora – and god, was she mad at herself for admitting that – why not go see her?  
  
Not the real her, of course, Catra might have been stealthy but she wasn’t stupid enough to break into Bright Moon, much less its castle, no matter the time of day – or night, in her case.  
  
No, Catra thought back to the temple she had followed Adora into weeks ago. It had shown them holograms of their past together and even though it was trying to kill Catra and, she was pretty sure, manipulate her, she felt inclined to pay it a visit again. Maybe it’d show her more holograms.  
  
_“Pathetic”_ , Catra scoffed at herself as the discreetly leapt out of a window and took off towards the Whispering Woods, _“As if some stupid holograms are going to fix this.”_  
  
She ran faster.  
  
  


* * *

  
  


_“Cola with the burnt-out taste,  
I'm the one you tell your fears to.  
There'll never be enough of us.”_

  


“You can’t catch me!”  
“Just you wait!”

Adora watched as a younger version of herself chased after a younger Catra. The two children, they couldn’t have been much older than six, jumped over chairs and ducked underneath tables. Little Catra’s laughter rang in her ears like a bittersweet melody as she watched her use her claws to climb up onto one of the steel beams hanging from the ceiling, her own younger self trying unsuccessfully to do the same.

She sighed from where she sat propped up against the wall, her knees drawn to her chest. This was painful, why was she doing this to herself? It wouldn’t get her Catra back, it’d do nothing than to remind her of what she’d left behind.

Don’t get her wrong, Adora was positive that she had made the right decision and would do it again in a heartbeat, however she couldn’t help but feel guilty. She could’ve, _should’ve_ , tried harder to convince Catra to come with her.

A voice in her head told her that no matter how hard she might’ve tried, Catra wouldn’t have joined her, because as much as she had left Catra for the Rebellion, Catra too had left her for the Horde.

Frustrated, she kicked at the floor, the sound of her boot hitting the linoleum echoing through the halls, reminding her of how empty the place really was. Despite what she was seeing.

When she looked up again, the hologram had changed.

Now, she was seeing Catra and herself, probably around 15 years old this time, sneaking into the kitchens. A chuckle escaped her at the memory.

She had never been a fan of breaking the rules, if only to avoid Catra getting punished in her stead, but the few times they did cause mischief together, it had always been thrilling and memorable.

Except for when they got caught, of course.

In the months she had spent away from her old home, Adora had had enough time to reflect on her past, and had come to understand Catra a lot better, or at least she thought so.  
  
All this time, she thought she had been protecting Catra, but had she really? Catra had still always gotten hurt while she was praised. She had tried to stand up for her, but only if it wouldn’t get herself punished. Maybe that’s why Catra resented her so much. She couldn’t really blame her.

Of course, Adora knew, Shadow Weaver had been manipulating her too. She was a victim of her abuse as much as Catra was, but they had experienced it very differently, Adora could not deny that. Where she had been controlled through praise and expectations, Catra had experienced pain and insults.

Perhaps that also served to explain, at least partially, how they had gotten into their current predicament.

The young woman was startled from her thoughts when two pairs of feet hit the floor right in front of her, and she looked up just in time to see her and Catra’s younger selves running past her. They sat down on a bed a few meters to her left, which she knew wasn’t actually there but it sure looked real, and began to assess their loot.  
  
She watched as the two young girls laughed and munched on their stale bread. The food in the Horde never had been very luxurious. But it had been enough, Adora reminisced with a faint smile, because they had never known anything else.

She closed her eyes for a moment before the next memory started to appear.

  
  


* * *

  
  
After a good hour of trying to break into the temple, an hour she spent decidedly not thinking about why she was putting so much time and effort into reliving some of her and Adora’s memories, Catra finally found an opening.  
  
There must have been a battle nearby, or maybe it was a remnant from the last time she was here, but there was a hole in the wall, hidden pretty much entirely by thick shrubs.  
  
She squeezed herself through it, only retaining a scratch on her upper arm, and stepped into the temple. It was dark, but not pitch-black, and she hoped against hope that it wouldn’t recognize her as an intruder and try to get rid of her again.  
  
As long as she didn’t try to steal any crystals, she figured she would be fine.  
  
Walking deeper into the building, she actually took the time to survey the place, something she hadn’t hadn’t been able to do the last time.  
  
There were intricate murals on the walls of what she assumed to be the First Ones, and of She-Ra, of course. First Ones writing took up a large part of the walls too, some of it lighting up as she walked past it, but she couldn’t read it, wouldn’t even have recognized it as a language if Entrapta hadn’t told her about it.  
  
With a start, she noticed lights in the distance. Was there someone else here with her?  
  
She stalked towards the source, claws extended, but immediately dropped all of her defenses as the hallway opened into a vast room around her.  
  
Apparently, the holograms were already happening.  
  
_“Suspicious”_ , she thought but decided she didn’t have the energy to worry about it right now. Maybe the temple just knew what she was here for.  
  
Also, it was about four in the morning.  
  
She recognized the memory the hologram was replicating instantly. It was her and Adora, of course, at the age of approximately 13.  
  
They were sitting on the floor in a darkened corner, Adora carefully cleaning a wound on Catra’s arm, urging her to keep quiet. She saw herself - and how weird it still felt, to look into your own eyes - clench her teeth in an effort not to cry out.  
  
She still remembered this injury, even though all physical reminders of it were gone.  
  
It had happened during one of her late night escapades. When she was younger, she had always enjoyed sneaking out of the crowded barracks in the early hours of the morning, exploring the industrial landscape of the Fright Zone.  
  
Rarely, Adora would come with her. The other girl had usually preferred to wait up for her, ready to listen to Catra chat about any new passageways or suspicious guard activities she had stumbled upon.  
  
One of those nights, she remembered it vividly, Catra had been jumping across the rooftops of the warehouses in the outskirts, when she had slipped on a puddle of oil she hadn’t noticed and fallen off the building, Due to her catlike – ha! – reflexes, she had been able to catch herself on one of the pipes raking along the side of the building, but had unluckily gotten her arm caught in it, tearing the skin open.  
  
But Catra was tough, always had been, so she had made quick work of detangling herself from that contraption and climbed to the ground, swiftly escaping back towards the bedrooms, towards Adora.  
  
Once Adora had seen the injury, she had immediately ushered Catra out into the hallway, swiping a first-aid kit along the way, and found them a dark corner to hide in, where she could discreetly fix Catra’s wound.  
  
They had both known, even at that age, that showing weakness in the Horde was a death sentence and if anyone had found out Catra had been outside without permission and, even worse, gotten hurt while doing so, she would have been lucky to be demoted to cleaning staff.  
  
But back to the hologram.  
  
Young Adora, with her hair freely falling past her shoulders for once, had put her arms around Catra in a comforting hug, whispering reassurances into her ear.  
  
Catra knew what her own younger self was going to say before she did it.  
  
“God, Adora”, her squeaky, pre-pubescent voice hissed, “I’m okay. It’s just a scratch.”  
  
She saw the disapproving look on Adora’s face and was glad, now as she had been then, that she had decided to drop the topic.  
  
Suddenly, the memory faded into nothingness and Catra found herself back in the temple, leaning against a stony pillar.  


  
  


* * *

  
  
As what Adora assumed must’ve been the last memory faded, she got up, deciding to ignore the wetness of her eyes and cheeks.  
  
She was just about to turn around, walk back into the corridor behind her and return to Bright Moon, when she noticed the shadow of another person across the room.  
  
Ever the impulsive woman she was, she called out to them.  
  
“Hello? Excuse me? What are you doing here?”  
  
She swore she could feel her lungs collapsing as she saw Catra step out from behind a pillar, an equally incredulous expression on her face. She must not have been aware of Adora’s presence either.  
  
For the first time since Adora had left, the other girl didn’t immediately charge at her, didn’t even look angry. Actually, now that Adora was inspecting her more closely, she looked almost sad.  
  
Had she been watching their memories too?  
  
Catra still hadn’t moved, staring at her like she was trying to put together an especially difficult puzzle.  
  
Then, she suddenly moved towards her, in that ridiculously fast way she tended to, and pushed her. Embarrassingly, that caused Adora to fall over onto her backside, not having expected this course of action.  
  
“You’re real”, she heard Catra’s voice above her. It sounded scatchy, like she had just been crying.  
  
She pushed herself to her feet.  
  
“Thanks for the confirmation, captain obvious”, she muttered, not even really thinking about it.  
  
Catra’s perplexed expression almost made her laugh, but she composed herself. She was curious.  
  
“What are you doing here?”  
  
She took in Catra’s appearance. Wild curls even more tangled and messy than usual, heterochromic eyes highlighted by dark bags, an unhappy frown pulling the edges of her mouth down. She looked tired, like she had just rolled out of bed after a sleepless night. Adora could relate.  
  
Catra shrugged, staring at a point over Adora’s shoulder.  
  
“Couldn’t sleep.”  
  
Feeling brave, Adora took a step forward, relishing in the fact that Catra didn’t recoil. A sad thing to be happy about, she realized.  
  
“So you came here? This place tried to kill you last time, Catra!”  
  
She almost hated herself for how worried she sounded. Catra surely noticed it.  
  
“So what? Why do I need to justify myself to you?”, Catra crossed her arms in front of her chest and Adora’s eyes were drawn to a small scrape on her upper arm, “What are _you_ doing here?”  
  
Adora raised an unimpressed eyebrow at her, unsubtly gesturing towards the giant mural of She-Ra on the wall to their right.  
  
Catra rolled her eyes and an awkward silence commenced. Neither of them knew quite what to say or do. They were enemies, technically, they should already have been trying to gouge each other’s eyes out. But this moment felt so vulnerable, so monumental.  
  
The more times passed, the more palpable the silence between them became. Always the more impatient one, Adora finally snapped.  
  
“Okay, fine!”, she raised her arms in defeat, “You wanna know why I’m here? I missed you. Call me pathetic or naïve or whatever you want, but it’s true. I just wanted to relive our good times together, I guess. I know it’s useless and that it’s not gonna do anything but hurt me, but that’s nothing you have to worry about, right?”  
  
Although they had known each other for 19 years, Adora found herself unable to identify the look on Catra’s face. She seemed conflicted, angry, hopeful, but sad, all at the same time.  
  
When no reply came, Adora scoffed and turned around. What had she been expecting? Even if Catra had come here for the same reason as her, though that was probably just wishful thinking on her part, it didn’t mean she would have changed her mind. The actions of missing someone and wanting to join them, _forgiving them_ , were still landslides apart.  
  
As she took her first step towards the exit, she felt Catra grab her arm. For a split second, she went into battle stance, just barely stopping herself from grabbing her sword and transforming into She-Ra.  
  
“I…”, she heard Catra clear her throat but didn’t turn around, “I guess I’m here for the same reason.”  
  
Now this made Adora perk up. She turned in Catra’s grasp, watching the other girl’s face closely as she struggled to find the right words.  
  
Adora smiled slightly as she noticed the nervous twitching of Catra’s ears.  
  
_“Cute”_ , her treacherous mind supplied.  
  
“I was so sure I had finally let you go”, Adora’s heart broke at the self-loathing she detected in Catra’s voice, “But I still can’t sleep at night because you’re running through my head. For so long, I tried to convince myself that I hated you, and don’t get me wrong, a part of me does, but…”  
  
She trailed off, eyes fixated on where she was gripping Adora’s arm. Adora waited patiently.  
  
“But well, I’ve had a lot of time to think. Especially since I have my own room now”, she didn’t sound as proud of that as Adora had thought she would, “And I realized that you’re not the only who left. You did ask me to come with you and I said no. So I guess I have no right to be hurt.”  
  
Adora frowned. “You do. I mean, it doesn’t necessitate you trying to kill me but I understand why you were hurt.”  
  
Catra glared at her but there was no heat in it.  
  
“As if I could kill you”, she noticed Adora’s doubtful expression and exhaled loudly, “I knew you wouldn’t die when I let you fall off the cliff. There’s no way a damn First Ones temple would allow the magnificent She-Ra to die.”  
  
Catra rolled her eyes and retracted her hand from Adora’s arm, who quickly came to miss the contact.  
  
“I was just so tired. So damn tired of standing in your shadow. I know you didn’t mean to make me feel this way, but that does little to change the fact that you still did. For once in my life, I wanted to be the best”, she smiled sadly, “But look at where that got me. Hordak keeps threatening to kill me if I mess up and Shadow Weaver…well, let’s not get into that.”  
  
Adora cleared her throat, not sure of what to say but certain she had to say something, anything. This was a chance.  
  
“Well…you did tell me you always knew the Horde was evil. What did you think rising through the ranks in an organization like that would earn you?”  
  
Belatedly, she realized that she sounded more accusatory than she intended to.  
  
Catra didn’t seem to care though, sneering at her with the same intensity as always.  
  
“You still don’t get it, huh? I wanted to get to the top so that no one, no Adoras and no Shadow Weavers, could hurt me anymore. I hate feeling this goddamn _weak_. I just want people to stop having this kind of power over me.”  
  
Adora’s jaw dropped without her consent. Catra admitting to weakness? Showing vulnerability? This hadn’t happened since they had been promoted to senior cadets, all the way back when they were 16. That felt like a lifetime ago.  
  
The other girl must’ve had the same realization, as she quickly curled into herself again, taking a step back.  
  
“Whatever. I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been. Without you.”  
  
Adora shook her head and reached out to take Catra’s hand. The other girl stilled.  
  
“You’ve always been plenty strong. And you don’t have to be without me. Jeez, Catra, the Horde doesn’t deserve you. Hordak and Shadow Weaver don’t deserve you. No matter how strong you get, they’ll always try to tear you down.”  
  
Catra’s eyes met hers, and Adora almost flinched at the restrained fury she saw in them.  
  
“But you deserve me?”, she asked.  
  
“No”, Adora smiled a bittersweet smile, “But you deserve _better_. You deserve a good life, a life full of people who love you and wouldn’t want to hurt you, even if you mess up. You’re not evil, Catra, even though you’ve convinced yourself you are.”  
  
With a start, Adora realized Catra was returning the grip of her hand.  
  
“It’s too late for me. I’m not the person you think I am.”  
  
Adora shook her head, using her second hand to cradle Catra’s as well, holding onto her like a lifeline.  
  
If she was going to have to let Catra go again, she’d at least do it fighting.  
  
“Maybe not. But I still believe in you, Catra. You don’t have to join the Rebellion, I know I can’t ask that of you. I know you feel that you have nothing to fight for other than this imaginary invulnerability you think you’re going to find with the Horde. But there’s so much more to the world than that.”  
  
Almost subconsciously, Adora had stepped so close to Catra while she was talking that she could feel her breath on her face. She looked into her eyes, the mismatched blue and yellow she had missed so much, and was saddened to see the unshed tears in them.  
  
“Just come back to me”, she finished her little speech with this desperate request, knowing full well that Catra would turn her down.  
  
She had to try, or she’d never sleep peacefully again for the rest of her life, however long that may be.  
  
Adora hadn’t realized there were tears trailing down her cheeks again until she felt Catra’s free hand slowly wiping them away. She looked up from where her gaze had fallen to her feet.  
  
Catra was shaking her head ever so softly, pain and confusion so visible in her eyes, it was almost too much to bear.  
  
“I want nothing more than that”, the other girl admitted, her voice low, as if she was sharing a secret. Adora guessed that in a way she was.  
  
“But I can’t. Not yet, at least. I don’t know if I ever will.”  
  
Adora prepared herself to say something, a goodbye maybe, or another attempt at persuasion, when Catra’s lips met hers and all words withered in her throat, never to be spoken.  
  
It was an awkward kiss, neither of them sure what they were doing, but making up for it by desperately clutching at each other’s body and clothes. Catra wound one arm around Adora’s neck, grasping onto the baby hairs that had escaped from Adora’s infamous ponytail. Her other arm was gripping the front of her red jacket with enough force to almost rip the first button off.  
  
Deepening the kiss, Adora grabbed Catra’s hips, drawing her ever closer to her, tasting both their tears and a flavor that seemed to be unique to Catra. It tasted almost like cinnamon.  
  
For a moment, the two girls parted to catch their breaths, lips bright red and cheeks flushed. They rested their foreheads against each other.  
  
Catra’s smell, something sharp and spicy, overwhelmed Adora’s senses as she, barely in control of her own actions, leaned in again, gently taking Catra’s lower lip between her teeth.  
  
The other girl let out a growl deep in her throat, accidentally scratching the back of Adora’s head with her claws as the drew her closer, so that not even a piece of paper could fit between them.  
  
She opened her mouth and pressed her tongue into Adora’s mouth. Adora was shocked to hear herself gasp at that. Not to be deterred though, she responded in kind.  
  
They stood like that for a while, in this passionate, desperate embrace of two young women in love. Two women, whom the war had torn apart against their will. They knew that the moment they stepped back, the magic would be gone. They would have to go their separate ways.  
  
And who knew what their next meeting would look like?  
  
However, as all things do, the kiss (or kisses, as it had been at least three by now), eventually had to end. Their lips disconnected with an audible _plop_ but the girls remained in their embrace for a moment longer, futilely holding onto each other, onto this moment.  
  
Catra stepped back first, distangling her hands from Adora’s hair and jacket, not bothering to smooth down her own clothing.  
  
It took more strength than Adora was comfortable with to not reach out to her again.  
  
She wanted to say so many things, ask her when she’d see her again, if this would change anything. But idealistic as she could occasionally be, she knew it would be fruitless. Catra had made up her mind.  
  
For now.  
  
So she just watched, a throbbing ache in her heart and her lips, as Catra turned to leave.  
  
“Bye, Adora.”  
  
  


_“Where all the things that we do for fun (and I'll breathe, and it goes),  
Play along (make-believe it's hyper real),  
But I live in a hologram with you.”_

**Author's Note:**

> ...let's just ignore the fact that they immediately know how making out works, fanfiction is just like that.  
> anyway, hope you liked it! if you did (or even if you didn't, i'm not your keeper), feel free to check out my [tumblr](https://korapika.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/catrasgay)!


End file.
